Kollektivet: Sigbjørn - Episode 3 - Finally Sex

Sigbjørn is out on the town with his buds, and they dare him to hit on the pretty girl at the end of the bar. Which doesn't turn out quite like he had thought it would...

Intro voice of Sigbjørn:
My name is Bjørn! Sigbjørn!

                  (Sigbjørn's bathroom)
Mother: "Sigbjørn? You remember that your aunt
                and cousin are coming over, and that       
                they're staying the night tonight, right?"
Sigbjørn: "Yes."
Mother: "I do not want to find you stumbling in           
               dead drunk at five AM!"
Sigbjørn: "No, I won’t."

                         (at the bar)
Petter: "I’m telling you guys; tell them you’re married. 
                                                                                                It’s the best pick-up line there is!"
                                                                                                "And Sigbjørn, what about you?"
Sigbjørn: "Hm?"
Petter: "What is your best pick-up line?"
Sigbjørn: "I just… just sneak up on them from behind."
                "Sneak IT in from behind I mean. Doggie. Real sex from behind."

Guy: Who dares to go strike up a conversation with that one?
Petter: "I don’t think…."
          "You interested?"
Sigbjørn: "Me and you?"
Petter: "No, her."
             "Yes?"
Sigbjørn: Yeah, no.
Petter: "Go talk to her!"
Sigbjørn: "No.."
Petter: "Come on now Sigbjørn!"
Sigbjørn: "No!"
Petter: "Come on now!"
Sigbjørn: "No… hang on…."
               "NO! no!"

"Have you ever been hit on at a bar before?"
Girl: "Yes."
Sigbjørn: "Okay then."
Girl: "Are you always this quiet?"
Sigbjørn: "Yes."
Girl: "I think that’s kind of cute."

Girl: "Have you ever kissed a girl?"
Sigbjørn: "Yeah, you know, many, many times.."
Girl: "Come with me!"
                                          (outside the bar)
Sigbjørn: "Should we maybe share a cab home?"
Girl: "I am not coming home with you, if that’s what you’re thinking."
Sigbjørn: "No, no, no, just the cab."
                                                (in the cab)
Sigbjørn: "You’re quite sure you don’t want to sleep over at my house?"
               "My bed is real soft."(/wet double Norwegian meaning)
Girl: "Yes, I’m quite sure, I’m staying with some family members." 
Both: "Bogvegen 10."
                                       (Sigbjørn's kitchen)
Mother: "Good Morning! Have you said proper hi to your cousin?"
               "She's almost unrecognizable!"

Kollektivet: Sigbjørn - Episode 2 - The Sex Lie

At a party with his friends, Sigbjørn finds himself pressured to be cool and experienced sexually. Rather than admitting the truth, he decides to lie. Which isn't always such a good idea...

        (at Jeppe’s house, 10.18 PM)

Petter: "Fuck, that was one hell of a party at
              Camilla’s on Saturday!"
Sigbjørn: "Yeah, sick party."
Petter: "I was hungover for like a week!"
Sigbjørn: "Yeah, me too. You know, with yellow                      spit-up and everything.."
Petter: "What the fuck Sigbjørn? You need to stop painting me those kinds of mental pictures, dude!"
Sigbjørn: "Yes, yes I know.."
Petter: "You need to stop it, seriously."
Sigbjørn: "Yeah.. I’m gonna’ quit doing that completely, for sure.."


Jeppe: "Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-BAM! I just rammed her from behind like that!"
Sigbjørn: "Who?"
Jeppe: "Christine. I gave her some Jeppe stick at Camilla’s!"
Petter: "So what happened with you and Camilla at the party then?"
Signjørn: clears throat "Huh?"
Petter: "No, you know, y’all disappeared into her bedroom?"

Sigbjørn has a flashback to the party - Sigbjørn: "Here, I brought you some water."

Sigbjørn: "No, you know, I went into the bedroom and then I… fucked her."
Jeppe: "At her own going-away-party? Dude, that’s a major score!"
Sigbjørn:
"Yeah, it was totally sick, I just came into her room walking in like BAM-BAM, and she was like; Oh my it’s Sigbjørn! And then I just grabbed her and stripped her, before I lifted her up and fucked her HARD! Backwards and forwards, here and there! With some rolling’ motions, and she just started screaming “Whoa! Sigbjørn!” Too bad Camilla’s gone. If it hadn’t been for that, I would totally fuck her morning and night, every day."

Jeppe: "She’s coming over soon."
Sigbjørn: "Huh?"
Jeppe: "She hasn’t left yet, she’s coming over in a minute."
           "Hiah Camilla!"
Camilla: "What’s going on here?"
Jeppe: "Not a whole lot, just some sharing."
Guy 1: "Sigbjørn’s told us all about it."
Camilla: Told you what??
Guy 1: "That y’all had sex last Saturday.. why are you being so weird about it?"
Camilla: "That I??? I did NOT have sex with Sigbjørn!"
Sigbjørn: "Oh no! You did so! Don’t you try to deny it!"
Camilla: "What the hell?! We never fucked!"
Sigbjørn: "Shut your mouth! We did so! And you thought it was amazing!"
Camilla: "I had shots of Tequila all night long, I was unconscious, God dammit!"
             "You fucked me while I was unconscious??!"

Sigbjørn: "Anybody know when the next subway is scheduled to leave?
             Nobody going to Sagenes? Might wanna’ chip in on a cab? No, ok…"

 

Kollektivet: Sigbjørn - Episode 6 - Internet Sweetheart

Recap: In this episode we see what happens when Sigbjørn tries internet-dating.

                       (at school)
Teacher:
"Part 2 of the exam will be on the topic of Reproductive Physiology, which I assume you’ve all learned by now."
"Remember that the papers are due tomorrow, OK you guys? Before the end of term."

               (at Petter’s house)
Sigbjørn: "What do you mean, I’m not so popular                     with the ladies?"




Petter: "Well, I’m just saying; It hasn’t really been raining vagina the last few years, to be quite frank."
Sigbjørn: "Oh, No? Yes it has."


Petter: "And how many women have you slept with the last month?"
Sigbjørn: "O-ho-ho, let me just get a minute the get my numbers straight:                       
                A HOUNDRED AND TWO!"
Petter: "102 in one month?"
Sigbjørn: "Give or take a week…"
Petter: "You know what, Sigbjørn? We need to get you into the dating-game."
              "Let’s make you a profile on “Sugar”."
Sigbjørn: "No, no! We are going to do no such thing!"
Petter: "Yes, yes we are."
Sigbjørn: "No, I am not…."
Petter: "Just lie down."
Sigbjørn: "Make your ow damn profile!"
Petter: "Just relax, let’s see, “Likes walks in the forest”."
Sigbjørn: "No, Petter, don’t write that, you know I’m horrendously allergic to crowberries."
Petter: "And now for the profile-pic. Sit! Sit! If you just stay like this; 3,2,1" snap       
             "Look at that! A masterpiece! You look like a God my friend!"
Sigbjørn: "I’m going to delete it the minute I come home."
Petter: "It’s still a masterpiece."
                                                          (at home)
 You have a message from HotBella. --> Answer HotBella?
Mother: "Are you studying for your exam now, Sigbjørn?"
Sigbjørn: "Yes."
Mother: "That teacher of yours, seems like he’s really strict."
Sigbjørn: "Yes that he is. Really strict. It would never occur to me to do anything but study.
                A lot of studying going on here, now, yes."
                                                           (at school)
Teacher: Sigbjørn! I am sick and tired of you hammering away at that computer!
Sigbjørn: "I am so sorry Mr.Vincent, I’m just chatting with my internet-girlfriend."
              "It’s a real internet-girlfriend, and I have real internet-sex with her too!"
Teacher: "That will not be taking place on school grounds!"
Sigbjørn: "No."
Teacher: "Just make plans to write after school is out, OK?"
Sigbjørn: "Mhm."
 To HotBella: Wanna’ meet?
                                                     (at home)
Mother: "Where are you going?"
Sigbjørn: "Just going to hang out with Jeppe."
Mother: "OK, have a good time."
Sigbjørn: "Won't be coming home, I’m staying over at Jeppe’s."
                                                    (in car)
Teacher: laughs "How many times didn’t I tell you to put away that bloody computer?" laughs

Kollektivet: Sigbjørn - Episode 5 - Gay

In this episode, Sigbjørn gets the genius idea to pretend he's gay, so he'll get to hang out with girls at pyjama-parties. But is Sigbjørn going to be successful in his lie?

                   (at Petter’s house)

Petter: “Man! I would have given my left arm just to                  get into that pyjama-party!”
Guy 1: “You’d just be surrounded by women’s
               pyjamas’. “
Sigbjørn: “Yeah, I would just be surrounded by men’s
                  underwear.”
               "No, no, Not MEN’S underwear, ehm.. and
                 not Menstruation underwear either…
                 I didn’t really get what you meant…?"
Petter: “Argh, I wish I was Gay!”
“They get invited to pyjama-parties all the time!”
Sigbjørn: “Huh?”

 Petter: “Yeah. Girls feel super comfortable around gay guys, you know. "

               "They just undress and wander around in their bra and panties in front of them. It’s insane!”
                “Sigbjørn?”
Sigbjørn: sharp intake of drool
Petter: “You wish you were gay right now, don’t you?”

                                                               (at school)

Aurora: "You’re Gay??"
Sigbjørn: “Yeah. Just really, really Gay. A real Queeeer.”
Aurora: “I think that's just so great, that you’ve come out of the closet!”
                “You know, me and the girls, we’ve known all along.”
Sigbjørn: “Yeah…. But you know, I only have male friends, which makes things kind of difficult.”
               “When I really just want to Gay around as much as possible, so I think I need some female
                  friends, you know to talk to, hang out with, go to pyjama-part….”
Aurora: “I have the perfect solution! You should come over at my pyjama-party!”
Sigbjørn: “Why, yes! That hadn’t even crossed my mind.”
Aurora: “It’s gonna’ be like, the perfect “Coming out”-party!”

                                                                  (at Aurora's house)

Girls: “Sigbjørn is here!”
Sigbjørn: “Heeey!”
Girl: “Is that a blanket?”
Sigbjørn: “I just need to borrow a pyjama-pants, cause’ I’m on a low-carb diet, and now mine's too big!"                       “He-hey!”
Aurora: “I am so happy you decided to come out of the closet.”
Sigbjørn: “Yeah.”
Aurora: “I feel like we’ve gotten really close, you know?”
Sigbjørn: “I think it’s probably the best thing I’ve ever done!”
Aurora: “Because, what we girls really need, is someone who is honest and genuine, you know?”
              “Someone that doesn’t just want to get into our pants.”
Sigbjørn: Yeah, no, I’m nothing like that. Me wanting into your pants....”
Aurora: “Because I was thinking that you could be my new GBFF!”
               “Hey, what’s that poking my head?”
Sigbjørn: “That, well, that is a stapler, that I carry in my pocket.”
Aurora: “Those pants don’t have pockets…”

Boyfriend of one of the girls: “Then I’m going to tear him a new one!”

Kollektivet: Sigbjørn - Episode 4 - Porn

In this episode Sigbjørn is hanging out with his buds, and the topic has turned to the dodgy corners of the internet. Not quite understanding that the cool thing is in fact his natural instinct: to feel repulsed by abusive porn, be goes on and on about how he likes it. Kind of hilarious, since it's never even occurred to him to look it up, and he has no idea what he is lying about liking. And what catastrophe is lurking around the corner when he decides to look up the disturbing porn on the family computer...?
                   (at Petter’s house)
Petter: "Yeah I know, but seriously though “Two
               girls  and one cup”, is one of the sickest
               things I’ve ever seen! At least of the things
               I’ve seen online."
Guy 1: "What about that horse and donkeyfuckers.
              com?
              That internet, whoa, it‘s got a lot of sick
               stuff on it! Jesus Christ!"

Petter: "Yeah, it sure does… So Sigbjørn, seen
               anything disturbing?"



Sigbjørn:
"Oh… oh yes… I wank off to those kinds of thing all the time, you know….like every day."
"Just wanking and wanking, to that horsefuck-fuck it." laughs

Petter: "You’re not supposed to wank off to that stuff, Sigbjørn, you’re supposed to look at it, feeling repulsed."

Sigbjørn: "Sure, yeah, when I said wanking, I didn’t mean it like that. I just meant that I look at it every day, just can’t look away, like watching a train-wreck you know." laughs

                                                                  (at home)
Echoing voice:
Petter: So Sigbjørn, seen anything disturbing?
Petter: You’re supposed to look at it, feeling repulsed.
Petter: So Sigbjørn, seen anything disturbing?


Sigbjørn: "Mom? I’m, just gonna’ borrow your Mac for a little while, OK?"
Mother: "I’m going to need it later."
Sigbjørn: "Yeah, sure."
Sigbjørn: "Mother."
Mother: "You’re aware that you’ve got band-practice in 15 minutes?"
Sigbjørn: "Yes, I am fully aware of that, thank you for letting me know."

                                                       
Flashback: Sigbjørn: Mom? I’m, just gonna’ borrow your Mac for a little while, OK?
                   Mother: I’m going to need it later.


Sigbjørn: "Mom!"
Mother: "Did you forget something?"
Sigbjørn: "I was just wondering, you wanted the computer, have you already gone into my room and gotten
                 it?"
Mother: "No, no I didn’t."
Sigbjørn: phew
Mother: "Lisa has it in her room."

                                                 (at the therapist)
Mother: "She was just going to play a computer-game."
Lisa: "No horsy, No!"

Therapist: "Sigbjørn, you do understand that this is tough for an eight year old?"
                  "Sigbjørn?"

Want more?

Just click on my Google+ Profile!
For fun translations to:

Kollektivet: "It's not like it's going to make a difference."
- Is not recycling that one cardboard really going to make a difference?

More Episodes of "Kollektivet: Cess is NOT on a boyfriend-hunt!"
Episode 3:
Cess goes on a date with Fridtjof. Trying to push him out of love with her, she tries to be as disgusting as humanly possible.
Episode 4:
Cess goes on a date with Jakob. As she's been told the guys aren't that into girls who hate on men and who stereotype them, that's exactly what she's planning to do!
 Episode 5:
Cess goes on a date with Kevin. The fact that Kevin is gay doesn't seem to have made him immune to her charms, as Cess is quite convinced he is the most in love with her of them all. What must she do to convince him otherwise? Daddy-issues? Incestuous tendencies? Cess pulls out all her big guns on this one!

Want to see what happened when Norway was invaded by the Bieber himself?
So many hard-core beliebers had firmly decided to skip their final exams, and go see Bieber instead, many of Norway's schools made the unorthodox decision to reschedule the exams for a later time.
But Norway's Lateshow ,Senkveld, decided they could not bear the thought of so many beliebers missing the all important exam-questions, so they decided; If the beliebers can't make it to the exams, the exams has to make it out to the beliebers!! The man for the job: Nils! And to make the exam extra belieber-friendly, he has made some "slight" modifications to the standard exam. He has Biebered it!

Can't get enough Nils?
See him interview the notorious seniors of Norway. The Russ!
Is 13 years of education enough? Have they learned anything whatsoever? 

Kollektivet: Sigbjørn - Episode 1 - Fleshlight

Episode 1- Fleshlight

It's Sigbjørn's birthday! And he gets together with his friends to celebrate. They have decided to give him a Fleshlight as a gag. Sigbjørn has some ideas about what to do with it though...

         (at Jeppe’s House, 11.41 PM)

Everyone: "Cheers!"
Jeppe: "Come on, Sigbjørn, it’s time to open your present."
Sigbjørn: "You got me a present? Thanks so much Jeppe! Is it from everone?"
Jeppe: "Yeah."
Sigbjørn: "Thanks you guys!"
              "Is this a Fleshlight?"
Guy 1: "You know, if you ever get lonely on a Friday night or something like that."
Sigbjørn: "Hey! Quit it! I don’t spend my Fridays lonely and alone! I have sex every single day! REAL sex!"

Guy 1: "Dude, relax, everyone gets one, it’s not a big deal. Like, no one uses it, but it’s fun to have one as a               novelty."

              "Ok… Cheers to Sigbjørn!"
Guy 2: "Sigbeer!"

                                           (at Sigbjørn’s house, 04.12 AM)
Mother: "Sigbjørn?"
Sigbjørn: "Mother."
Mother: "Did you have a good time over at Jeppe’s?"
Sigbjørn: "Yeah, Yeah. It was really cozy.."
Mother: "Did you get anything nice?"
Sigbjørn: "Yeah, sure… I’m just not quite sure about the size…."
                "Night, night!"
Echoing voice of guy 1: Everyone gets one, like, no one uses it.
Mother: "Sigbjørn..?"
Sigbjørn: "Mother..."
Mother: "I’ve been thinking, maybe it’s the vacuum and accumulation of air that prevents you from getting it                  off?"
                                         
       
                                        

Kollektivet: Siamese Twin Trouble

Ashley and Susie are polar opposites; Susie is a scholar and a caring kind of person, whilst Ashley is THE mean girl personified. Aaand they're Siamese, stuck with each other 24/7, which is a problem...

                           (at school)
Girl 1: "Susie is such a geek! Who wears pigtails
             now adays, it’s so lame!"
Girl 2: "And guess what? No seriously, Her breath
             smells like mackerel in tomato… dipped in
              poo!"
Ashley:
"She is the biggest nerd in the entire school, I wouldn’t be sad if she like just up and died!"
"Are you sitting there, eavesdropping!? Are you eavesdropping Ugly!? You shouldn’t eavesdrop on the popular girls like that!"
Susie: "Sorry…"
Ashley: "We have to go. Come on!"

-Song-
There is bound to be heaps of trouble when you are a Siamese twin! When one is a total nerd and the other one is popular. They have the same body, but that’s it! Ashley and Susie!

Susie: "And the molecular bio-structure will mutate and form new ne.. neutral cores."
Susie: "And then there are… quit controlling my arm!"
Ashley: "Hahahaha!"

Counsellor: "Well then girls, you both seem like bright students, but I do have to ask, is either of you   
                      experiencing any bullying?"
Ashley: "No!"
Counsellor: "Susie?"
                     "No, ok then."

                                                    (at home)
Susie: "You're throwing a party, and you’re not inviting me?!"
Ashley: "If I invited you, everyone would think I was a loser too."
Susie: "But Ashley! I’m attached to you!"
Ashley: "I know! But I like, have a plan!"

                                                      (party)
Ashley: "Hi! Welcome!"
Guy: "Hi. Thanks! Cool lamp!"
Susie: "Thanks."
Ashley: "Thanks!"
              "Not another word, do I make myself clear?!"

                                                   (after party)
Dad: "Hey girls…Hey girls, stop it with the fighting!"
Susie: "I’m sorry, Ashley. I do love you. You are, after all, my sister."
Dad: "Ashley!"
Ashley: "I’m sorry, Susie."
              "I hate you! I’m going to figure out how we can be split in two and separated, so that I never     
               have to see you again! I hate you with all of  my heart!"
Susie: "You mean, with all of OUR heart?"

Kollektivet: Brynestad Three

A couple of friends get together and decide that they are fed up with not having the nice things that they desire. To remedy this, they decide to rob Storo Mall. But will they get passed the mall-manager who's virtually married to his job?

 



Seb: "Don’t you want everything Storo mall has?"
Fridtjof: "I can’t afford it."
Seb: "What if I told you, there’s a way you can get
           everything, for free?"
Fridtjof: "We’re going to rob
                a store in the Storo mall?"
              "We’re going to rob 62 stores?"




Kevin: "Storo, yeah."

Mall-manager: "Storo."

Seb: "Storo."

Fridtjof: "Fantastic item-selection."

Jakob: "Why on earth would you wanna’ rob Storo mall?"
Seb: "Are you aware of how much cool stuff they’ve got there??"
Jakob: "Who got you involved in this nonsense?"

Narrator: Three robbers.

Seb:
"And now, your code-names:"
"I’m Birger."
"You’re Arne."
"And you’re Reidun."
Fridtjof: "Why do we have cover-names?"
Kevin: "Why is mine Reidun?"
Seb: "What code-name you’ve been assigned, is not important."
Kevin: "Well that’s easy for you to say, you’ve got the bomb diggity of names, you’re Birger."

Narrator:
62 stores and 1 observant mall-manager.

Seb: "It’s planned to perfection: 62 stores in two hours."

Kevin: "Why don’t we just rob the mall after it’s closed?"
Seb: "Because it’s CLOSED!"

Fridtjof: "So we’re going to rob the stores while their open?"
"How are we going to pull that off?"
"And how are we going to be able to get past the armed guards?"
Seb: "Donno’"
Fridtjof: "Oh…"
Seb: "I’ve planned a five-minute break, giving us the opportunity to have a slushy."

Seb:
"New plan:"
"We go in in disguise, so that no one will recognize us. One stands guard, one distracts the employees, whilst another empties the cash-register."

Kevin: "Did someone call for a veterinarian?"
Employee: "No."
Kevin: "Yes, you did."

Seb: "OK, so the plan didn’t work. And I think the mall-manager is on to us."

Mall-manager: "I’ve got three characters that looks suspicious."

Seb: "OK, it’s time to initiate operation STEAL AND RUN."
Fridtjof: "What is operation STEAL AND RUN?"
Seb: "We steal, and then we run."

Mall-manager:
"Congratulations, you’re a dead man."

"If any of you try to steal from my mall, you’re going to be scolded by an unarmed guard, is that clear?"
"Scolded really bad."

Seb: "I think we need to realize that we’re never going to be able to rob Storo mall, with all their technological security."
Kevin: "Then what do we do?"


Seb:
"There’s only one thing we can do: We’re just going to have to get a job at the mall, it’ll at least give us 30%."

"Deuchebag."

Kevin: "We get 30% on everything don’t we?"
Fridtjof: "Yeah."
Kevin: "Nice or what?"

Kollektivet: How to Avoid Getting Mugged

Want to get the low-down on how not to get mugged? Here's some pointers!


 

Narrator:
Are your from Bergen and have you recently moved to Oslo?
Are you living in fear of being mugged by unknown youth-gangs in the evenings?
Here are some tips on how to avoid being mugged, for someone from Bergen, living in Oslo.

1. Do you have muggers walking behind you? You know what? Then you just call your imaginary friends.



Man:
"Oh, hello, police-student that happens to be my friend. Oh yes, I’m just around the corner, yes, see you then."

Narrator:
That wasn’t so hard was it?

2. Here comes the next tip. Look like you’ve already been mugged.
There you go. But toss the jacket too.

Man:
"Oh, my, I’ve just been mugged! I hate that."

Narrator:
3. If you’d like to keep your jacket, then  bring two of your own muggers.
Maybe they’re from Bergen?

4. If you can’t afford your own muggers, then eat Mackerel in tomato, this will make you smell something awful.
Oh, yes, but you can handle a little shove can’t you? After all, you are from Bergen.

5. If you can’t avoid getting mugged, rob them before they rob you!

Man:
"Hey! Give me your cell phone! You big nancy!"

Narrator:
6. If that doesn’t work, then be a superhero!
Oh, my, look at that, maybe you should have had some superpowers too, and not just the costume?

7. But the best tip, is probably to just stay at home.

News-anchor:
"And now to the mugging-wave that has had a sudden stop, but that has been followed by a massive burglary-wave. The police implores people to lock their doors, and reinforce their windows."

Narrator:We haven’t got any tips on burglary, because that's something that happens in Bergen too.

Man:
"Typical!"

Narrator:
Have a nice day!

This has been an informational film for people from Bergen, travelling to scary cities.

Text in screeen:
Feel safe as a person from Bergen
-In scary cities

Kollektivet: The Fantasy Writer Without Imagination

Jørg R. R. Martinsen is a writer, a Fantasy writer to be exact. Too bad he lacks imagination.

Narrator:
This is Jørg R. R. Martinsen, he writes fantasy literature.
The fantasy genre has had a major popularity peek in later years, thanks due to motion pictures such as Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter and TV-shows such as Game of Thrones.
Typical elements within the genre is magic and the supernatural, taking place in unique fantasy worlds.
This puts high demands on the writers imagination being as imaginative as possible. 

 



Jørg:
The most important thing when writing books on fantasy is fantasy. Imagination that is.
Of which I have plenty. It’s like they say; “your imagination is the limit” and my imagination is limitless.


-Once upon a time, quite some time ago, in a parallel universe to the one we live in, there was a land called Norgia. It was ruled by some kind of king, that resembles the kind of king that we have, but this king had far greater power. And his name was Hermine. Because you see, in Norgia, girls names were boys names, and boys names were girls names. -


Of course, I do have days where my imagination is just non-existent, but today is not one of those days. Todays imagination-levels are so high that I’m actually considering creating a new race, that will be totally unique to my series.


-They were quite tall creatures, a little bit shorter than humans, but taller then both dwarfs and hobbits. They were the Shmenkind. -


One of the most amazing things about writing fantasy is the fact that you can create your own languages. Just like Tolkien did when he created Elvish. Just like him,  I've created a totally new language for my Shmenkind-race; Shmennish.


-"Whet ere yeo deing?" Said Geir-Geir to Lassolass. "E’m treing te enchent whet me wend, bet E jest cen’t de it. corrects : cen’t de et." -


I haven’t solved all the grammatical rules in Shmennish yet, which I must admit, has been a little bit of a challenge.
"Whet es geing en Geir-Geir?"


At the moment, I am really taken with Game of Thrones. I think it’s because it’s so grown-up, raw and brutal. There is of course also a lot of sex in the series, and since my books are also targeted at an adult audience, I have also incorporated… that.
But I am not in any way trying to one-up Game of Thrones, just so that’s clear.


-He had sex with her, but not quite as much sex as they have in Game of Thrones. -


The most important thing is that you have the elementary knowledge of regular sex as a base.


-He touched her boob, of which she had three. And then they had sex again, in the way that you usually have sex. -


I think sometimes, that I’ve almost got too much imagination. It’s in danger of running over.


-Anders-Panders rode on a majestic Shunicorn. The Shunicorn could be mistaken for a unicorn in it's appearance.
Anders-Panders rode majestically in front of his men and shouted;
"There es where the bettle es teking plece."
"Ere yeo reedy men?" The men cheered by synchronically snapping their fingers.
"Ceme en men! Nebedy leves ferever! Whesh deeth welceme!"
And so they rode, with Anders-Panders in the front, and his men fallowing close behind, on vampire-pigs.
Towards them came scary dragon-like creatures, that did not breathe fire. No, they breathed diet soda, so that everyone exposed to it risked going blind due to the sweetener; aspartame.
The two sides crashed into each other in a violent scuffle. Anders-Panders yelled: "Avada Carbonara!" And everything went black! White! Then Green! Dirty Green! Then black! THE END -


That’s that. That was THE END.
-Or so Anders-Panders thought, until he suddenly regained his sight! -


I just can’t seem to help myself, I just can’t stop. My imagination just takes on a life of it’s own.


-"We mest servive!...". -

Kollektivet: Wingman

"Honda" Syvertsen rates himself to be top notch as a wing-man, not just top notch; THE BEST wing-man EVER. According to him... If the people he's "wing-ing" agrees, is different matter...



 
"Honda"
My name is “Honda” Syvertsen, and I am probably the world’s greatest Wingman!
OH, YEAH!!

"Honda"
"Whoa, whoa, whoa, ladies and gentlemen, Sturla “Ninja” Syvertsen! What a guy, what a man!"

"Honda"
When you’re going to “Wing” a buddy, there’s one thing that’s important. You need to make your buddy seem as fabulous as humanly possible!

"Honda"
"Has anyone checked out Stu’s biceps? Insane! Like touching the leg of a cow!"

Sturla
"No, no… come on, that’s enough, that’s enough…"

"Honda"
"Bangkok 79’, do you remember that? Do you remember that? When you won that race, and you crossed the finish line a champion?!"
"He’s a Mafioso! A real boss. Earns a shitload of money, got tons of honeys lined up!"

Sturla
"I am an accountant, yes. And you?"

Sturla
He means well, you know, I just need to let him do his thing and not get mad at him.

"Honda"
"CHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERS!!!"

"Honda"
"You know he’s an astronaut."

Sturla
"Accountant!"

"Honda"
A hot Wingman-tip is to use celebs, the fact that you know some, or better yet; that you’ve beaten one in arm-wrestling!

"Honda"
"You know, he’s beaten John Carew in arm-wrestling!
John Carew! John Carew! In arm-wrestling!"

"Honda"
You’re not allowed to poach that one, but a tip could be that your mate has beaten Björn Afzelius in ass-hook!

Sturla
"And he was like, see ya’ later…."

"Honda"
"Hahaha! No wonder he does stand-up! NO WONDER he won that award! No wonder Times Magazine lists him as one of the most influential men in the world! HAhahahaha!"

Sturla
"Hey, hey… come on… You know I don’t do stand up."

"Honda"
"Yes, I know that, but THEY don’t know that! Hahaha, He does stand-up comedy! Hahahaha!"

"Honda"
"Check those moves! You know, he’s going to be on “Strictly Come Dancing” next season! And do you know who his dance-partner is, DO YOU KNOW who his dance-partner is?? You didn’t get it from me, Top Secret! It’s Tone Damli!!"

"Honda"
"There he goes! The hunter! The hunter has found his prey! Hahahahaha!!"

"Now you didn’t get picked this time around, but no need to be upset or disappointed, he is after all, a sought after man!"

Girl
"Shut your mouth right now, and you’ll get to come home with me."


Girl 2
"Hi, you Ok?"

"Honda"
"Donno’"

Girl 2
"Are you available?"

"Honda"
"Strangely yes."

Girl 2
"Got any plans for tonight?"

"Honda"
"Well an idea just came to mind."

"Honda"
"Have you met this one?! Oh My God! One of the dopest dancers throughout the entire wild west!!
She’d been in movies too! She’s been in “Dead Snow!” She was in “Dead Snow!" THE LEAD in “Dead Snow!”"

 "Honda"
And on a scale of 1 to 10, how fabulous a wingman was I to her; 1514!
HAHAHA! But If we’re staying within that scale, then 10!
But in reality: 1514!!!

"Honda"
"She got her artium degree at age 14! Artium at 14! She did! What a woman, am I right?!
CHEERS! YEAH YEAH YEAH!!! "

Kollektivet: Man with a Large Penis who feels like a man with a Small Penis

Meet Gunnar, a man with a highly unusual problem; He's a micro-penis man born into a body with an enormous penis. This is making life ever so hard for Gunnar. And no matter how much he tries to overcompensate like a true micro-penis possessing man, he just can't seem to get it right.

Gunnar:
It's very difficult to born into a body that you don’t feel comfortable in; One that doesn’t match externally, with how you feel internally.
On the inside I am a man with a small penis.

Narrator:
Gunnar Karlsnes was born with a large penis.
But he himself feels he should have been born with a small penis.

Gunnar: In spite of the disability in my groin-area,
               I try to live a normal life as a man with a small penis.


Narrator:
Gunnar drives a really expensive cabriolet.

Gunnar: "Hahaha, This is how you take down the roof on the car when you have a small penis!"

Narrator:
He likes to barbeque, as long as the barbeque is big enough.

Gunnar: "Hahaha, this is how you barbeque when you have a small penis!"

Narrator:
He is fond of hunting and shooting.

Gunnar: "Hahaha, this is how a man with a small penis shoots!"

Narrator:
And he trains for the “Birken” bicycle-race.

Gunnar: "Hahaha, indeed this is how you train for “birken” when you have a small penis!"
               "Oh..."

Gunnar: "Hey, Guys! Ready to start off a new day with some tennis? It’s gonna’ be awesome!"
               "Hey there! Nice to see you!"

Narrator:
Every one of Gunnar’s friends have small penises.
Gunnar: "Well then, this is going to be quite a day! Incredible tennisweather!"

Narrator:
Even Though Gunnar lives and breathes as a man with a small penis,
it’s hard for him to be accepted by men with real micropenises.

Gunnar:
What can I say? I go to the solarium, I drive a cabriolet, I have a Thai wife that I satisfy orally, long and thoroughly, before I announce that I am tired and don’t need any as long as she is satisfied.

Gunnar: My penis is too big.

Narrator:
Today Gunnar is upset.
But to solve his problem, he has applied to get an operation to decrease his penis-size.

Doctor: "Hello Gunnar."
Gunnar: "Hi there."
Doctor: "Just have a seat."
Doctor: "Now, the paperwork that we’ve received about you is quite unusual,
               and also quite insulting to people with small penises."
Gunnar: "Insulting?"
Doctor: "Yes."
Gunnar: "But I am a man with a small penis, I just need my penis to also be small."

Doctor:
"Do you think those with a small penis wants to live like they do?"
"That they love voting FRP?"
"Do you think that’s how it is?"
"That we enjoy staying up late at night, reading articles saying that it’s how you use it and not the size that matters?"
"That we love to train f… I mean that they think it’s fun to cycle “Birken” ?"
"No.  It’s overcompensating all the way. "
"And you are very well aware of that! And you need to face the fact that you don’t have anything to compensate for!"
"You’ve been handed everything in life! Like it just feel into your lap!"
"Quite literally..."
 
Gunnar: "I haven’t thought about it like that before."
Doctor: "Don’t scratch yourself there."
Gunnar. "Oh, no of course."

Gunnar:
After getting some new perspective on things; I have decided to drop the surgery. There are still times when I feel like a man with a small penis;
I wake up in the middle of the night in a sweat; “No I do have a small penis!"
But I've slowly started getting used to notion that I am a man with a lamborgini, a sexy wife, millions of kroner in the bank, and an enormous penis.
I’m going to be OK.
....As long as I stop passing out every time I have an erect penis… then I’m going to be OK.