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Welcome to The Harbour
Thursday, 27 March 2014
Tuesday, 4 March 2014
Kollektivet: Party-Pooper-Swedes
These Swedes hare fed up with the stereotype of Swedes being a bunch of Party-crazed people with metro-sexual haircuts! They are demonstratively Party-Pooping to crush this stereotype!
They are the Party-Pooper-Swedes!
Jakob: “We are not Party-Swedes.”
Fridtjof/Kalle: “What the hell are you guys listening to?”
They are the Party-Pooper-Swedes!
Jakob: “We are not Party-Swedes.”
Fridtjof/Kalle:
“We are NOT Party-Swedes!”
Jakob: “We
are Party-pooper-Swedes!”
“What does it mean to poop,
Kalle?”
Fridtjof/Kalle:
“To create a bad ambiance!”
Jakob: “Yes.”
Fridtjof/Kalle: “What the hell are you guys listening to?”
People: “No!”
Fridtjof/Kalle:
“There, much better!”
“Wanna’
hear what kinds of movies I’ve seen? Madagascar, Ice Age, James Bond….”
Seb: “Who
the fuck is going to clean this up? Is it Me?!”
Fridtjof/Kalle:
“….Twilight, Twilight 2, Twilight 3 is crap, Twilight 2 is good.”
Kevin: “I’m
keepin’ sober today, don’t need alcohol to feel good at a party.”
Jakob: “Hi
there, I don’t know what y’all think, but I’m against a woman’s right to choose.”
Sen: “Oh
well, this looks like a complete and utter hell.”
Jakob: “I’m
against a woman’s right to choose, and I’m against gay marital-rights.”
Fridtjof/Kalle:
“….Ehm…Forest Gump!”
Seb: “You
might want to finish that? Yes? Drink! Drink! Drink!”
Jakob: “I
am all for the traditional marriage between a man and a woman.”
Seb: “Drink!
Drink! Drink! Stuff it in the bag. Thank you so very much!”
Girl: “Hey,
isn’t it about time to head out on the town?”
Kevin: “Head
out on the town? Lame! That’s really lame!”
Swedes: “Yes,
really lame!”
Jakob: “Is
it possible to “poop” out on the town?”
“Yes it is possible.”
“Yes it is possible.”
-out on the town-
Kevin: “I
just think the Oslo nightlife is so lame,
Stockholm is just like so much more, so much more, like fresh!”
Stockholm is just like so much more, so much more, like fresh!”
Jakob: “Are
you aware of what alcohol does to your body?”
Seb: “Anybody
want coffee or water? Much better!”
Jakob: “You’ll
get dizzy, and you’ll feel like crap in the morning,
and if you get a girl home, you won’t be able to get it up,
here, let me help you!”
and if you get a girl home, you won’t be able to get it up,
here, let me help you!”
Seb: “Coffee?
So you’ll spark up and wake up some. Coffee? Coffee? Coffee? Coffee? Coffee?”
Fridtjof/Kalle:
“Watch me now.”
“I have to use the bathroom. I have to use the bathroom. Excuse me! Sorry!”
“That was nice.”
“I have to use the bathroom. I have to use the bathroom. Excuse me! Sorry!”
“That was nice.”
Jakob: “What
is the number one rule when you’re a party-pooper?”
Swedes: “Never
go home!”
Guy: “Wanna’
come home with me?”
Kevin: “It’s
after-party time!”
-back at the house-
Jakob: “Are
you going to post this on YouTube?”
Seb: “Yes.”
Jakob: “The
Police are on their way!”
Fridtjof/Kalle:
“Hm.”
Fridtjof/Kalle:
“Now, nobody can accuse us of being Party-Swedes!”
Jakob: “Word!”
Kevin: “Poop!”
Monday, 3 March 2014
Kollektivet: The Tørdis Man-Help
Recap: For any man afraid to walk home alone in the dark, any boy too scared to fight back the bullies, and any guy with a problem getting it up, there is a solution; TØRDIS!!
Tørdis:
Are you a
man? Are you afraid? Are you sick and tired of the ladies getting all the help
in the cities?
Call Tørdis
Man-Help!
One of services
that I provide, is carrying you home, so your feminine ass won’t get raped!
Tørdis: "Hop on my back! And I’ll carry you home!"
Man: "No…"
Tørdis: "There’s
plenty of cock-hungry rapist-bitches out there,
who wants to pluck you like a little blueberry from a delicate bush!"
who wants to pluck you like a little blueberry from a delicate bush!"
"Hop on my
back!"
I also offer
Conflict-Solving, for sissies who’s too chicken to fight!
Mean Kid: "Where the
hell is your phone?!"
Tørdis: "Leave
girly-Pelle alone!"
Mean Kid: "What, is
that your mommy?"
Tørdis: laughs "Silly boy!" laughs evil laugh
"Oh really?!
Who’s mother am I, I took your nose, who’s your mommy?!"
Mean Kid: "You’re my
mommy!"
Tørdis: "Who’s your
mommy?!"
Mean Kid: "You are!"
Tørdis: "Did mommy
take your nose?" laughs diabolical laugh
In addition
to that, we also offer Erectile-Emergency Help!
Girl: You can’t
get it up?
Tørdis: "I’ll get it
up!"
"Get a
boner!!!"
So if you
have a slightly low testosterone-level and therefore has the guts to ask for help,
call 942-not-a-real-man, or just scream TØRDIS! And I’ll come!
call 942-not-a-real-man, or just scream TØRDIS! And I’ll come!
Kollektivet: The Wedding from Hell
Trygve has been invited to an old childhood-friend's wedding. He finds the experience less than enjoyable. Will it ever EVER end?
Trygve: "As I mentioned before the weekend,
it was the wedding of an old friend of mine,
a close friend that I haven’t seen in years."
"..Ehm, so you
know... I had to go."
Information-guy: Yes, howdy’, just some information
at knitting-meeting
at the office
Boss: "OK then, Monday is yet again upon us."
Boss: "OK then, Monday is yet again upon us."
"Hi, hi, So
does anybody has anything to
share from the weekend?"
"Anybody experienced anything?"
"Trygve, you went to that wedding, right?"
share from the weekend?"
"Anybody experienced anything?"
"Trygve, you went to that wedding, right?"
Trygve: "Yes."
Boss: "Maybe want
to tell us a little bit about that?"
Trygve: "As I mentioned before the weekend,
it was the wedding of an old friend of mine,
a close friend that I haven’t seen in years."
"To be quite frank;
it was fucking lame."
it was fucking lame."
at wedding
Trygve: "The
nuptials were OK, until all of a sudden, when people started contributing."
Priest:
“The Bride’s good friend Rita is now going to sing us a song.”
Rita: “I
don’t like singing in public, but since the family asked;
since every one of them came to me individually and asked, I said yes.”
since every one of them came to me individually and asked, I said yes.”
Trygve: "That was
OK, but in addition to that, the bride and groom had also planned something
“fun”"
Priest:
“Remix!”
Trygve: "Fair
enough, it’s OK for the bride and groom to dance and jump their way down the isle to
music,
but for everyone else to have to participate; that’s not cool. That’s just cruel."
but for everyone else to have to participate; that’s not cool. That’s just cruel."
at reception
Trygve: "You know
the evening is going to be terrible when you have to sit at a table with two
kids,
an eighty year old lady and a woman that has “lonely and desperate” stamped across her
forehead."
an eighty year old lady and a woman that has “lonely and desperate” stamped across her
forehead."
Single-gal: “ Are you single, because I’m single and I….”
Information-guy: Yes, howdy’, just some information
Old lady:
“Speak up please!”
Man: "Some
information."
Old Lady:
“I can’t hear you!” “Can you hear what he is saying? I can’t hear a thing of
what he is saying!”
Trygve: "Argh, I
thought that alcohol would be the only thing that would be able to save me
now.
Information-guy:
“We will not be serving alcohol today, according to the wishes of the bride
and groom.
"Unfortunately."”
"Unfortunately."”
Trygve: "From that
point on, it was a complete and utter hell."
"It started
with the toast by the father of the bride."
Father: "I
think we can all agree that this is possibly the most beautiful bride ever."
"I would
marry her myself, but that’s not allowed."
Groom: "No,
that’s Not allowed."
Old lady:
“Who are you?”
Trygve: "My name is
Trygve."
Old lady:
“What was that?”
Trygve: "Trygve, and
old childhood friend of the groom.
Old lady: "You have to talk louder!"
Trygve: "And then the
groom’s toast was a complete train-wreck."
Groom: "You know
how I’ve always had a hard time expressing myself through words,
so I’m going to express myself through a song."
Sings DDE-song; "I’m driving E6, straight there, someone might be lying there in her arms now."
"And that would be me."
so I’m going to express myself through a song."
Sings DDE-song; "I’m driving E6, straight there, someone might be lying there in her arms now."
"And that would be me."
Father: "And
that would be me."
Groom: "No,
that would be me. That’s not right."
Trygve: "And of
course, let’s not forget all those “fun” traditions."
People: "Up
on the chairs! Yeees!"
Trygve: "And the
underlying family traumas."
Mother of the bride: "Of course,
it’s lovely with marriage and all that that entails,
but your father and I got divorced so, yes, it can go both ways,
one shouldn’t necessarily get their hopes up all the time,
just remember to keep those on a little bit of a low too."
but your father and I got divorced so, yes, it can go both ways,
one shouldn’t necessarily get their hopes up all the time,
just remember to keep those on a little bit of a low too."
Trygve: "And the
girlfriends that were trying to be a little “Crazy”"
Girlfriends singing: "Do you
remember, do you remember, that time you got drunk?
Do you remember, do you remember, that everything went into scrambles?
Haha, haha...."
Single-gal: "Sorry ruth, we just had to!"
Do you remember, do you remember, that everything went into scrambles?
Haha, haha...."
Single-gal: "Sorry ruth, we just had to!"
"Come on,
join!"
Trygve: "It just
never ceased to go on."
Irony guy: "Now that
your getting married Lasse, I just have to point out what a self-ironic guy you
are"
Interrupt-guy: "I just have
to interrupt! Because I remember that time I poured water down your pants,
and you did not laugh!" everyone laughs
and you did not laugh!" everyone laughs
Interrupt-guy 2: "Let me interrupt
the interruption!" everyone laughs
Rita: "I hate to have to hog the spotlight, but there are several, no rather are a great many people
here that
have asked me if I can sing the song I sang in the church one more time." sings
have asked me if I can sing the song I sang in the church one more time." sings
Information-guy: "Everybody; And we give thanks for this food, Oh my God
how lovely it was with the
alcohol-free wine."
alcohol-free wine."
Single-gal: "One more
time! One more time!"
Father: "And one for
daddy! One for daddy!"
Single-gal: "One more
time! One more time! By all means!"
Trygve: "That’s
quite enough."
Groom: "Oh my,
someone’s sulky."
Bride: "He’s your
friend."
Rita and man sings song yet again
Trygve: "It was, by
all accounts, the worst day of my entire life."
"The worst
day in my life, but I’d imagine it was the best day in Lasse and Ruth’s lives."
Lady: "Well the,
it’s morning-meeting. And since it’s the morning-meeting,
let’s have a little chat about Ruth, who got married this weekend! Yes!" laughs
let’s have a little chat about Ruth, who got married this weekend! Yes!" laughs
"How was it?
Do tell!"
Bride: "The
nuptials were beautiful, everybody was so happy,
with the exception of a friend of my husbands."
with the exception of a friend of my husbands."
Lady: What happened?
Bride: "No he was
irritated and sulky, and I just feel it weighed down on the entire ambiance."
Lady: "Don’t you
think about that! Don’t you think about that! Don’t you get upset about that!
Thinking that that ruined your wedding. Don’t do that! Just think of all those fabulous gifts!
Which there was an abundance of!"
Thinking that that ruined your wedding. Don’t do that! Just think of all those fabulous gifts!
Which there was an abundance of!"
Bride: Yes, yes.
Sunday, 2 March 2014
Kollektivet: Jacket-Time
Jakob has had enough of being self-conscious about his body, and being peer-pressured into hellish sunbathing, time for jacket-time!
-Lyrics-
The summer, it is over, autumn is closing in.
People are cold and they are blue
but I find comfort in the fact that I no longer have to stress,
no more of being uncomfortable,
showing off a pasty white, fat body that easily gets sun-eczema.
I have been sweaty, it hasn’t been easy, when you’re so damn self-conscious about those extra pounds of fat.
But the summer fades away, now comes cold, sleet and storm.
It’s my favourite time of year!
Cause now it’s jacket-season!
Wrap myself into a jacket-cocoon.
Hiding bulges, evening out the fat.
Put my jacket on and go far away! To a place where I feel safe,
where I can finally breathe again.
A place where you and I are equals.
Who says I can’t be hiding a six-pack, when I’m wearing a coat?
Friend: "Jakob, aren’t you going to take something off? Damn that looks warm."
No thank you, that time has passed.
It’s jacket-time, time for jacket, jacket-you, jacket-we.
I don’t have time to waste jacket-time on stuff like that.
It takes the denial now, and the body in the long run.
Do you feel fat, put your jacket on!
Do you feel silly, put your jacket on!
Does your fat jiggle uncontrollably? Is your sweater too tight?
Got a little bit man-boob going on? Put your jacket on!
But what do I do when I get indoors?
I lie about having a cold.
Have to keep my jacket on, hat, mittens, scarf on, covers, blanket
pillows of down, put on more jackets, keep myself snug
a duvet, sunglasses, a cap with flaps
I wrap myself in, I jacket myself in, I go into hibernation, into hibernation I go
Don’t wake me when spring comes!
-Lyrics-
The summer, it is over, autumn is closing in.
People are cold and they are blue
but I find comfort in the fact that I no longer have to stress,
no more of being uncomfortable,
showing off a pasty white, fat body that easily gets sun-eczema.
I have been sweaty, it hasn’t been easy, when you’re so damn self-conscious about those extra pounds of fat.
But the summer fades away, now comes cold, sleet and storm.
It’s my favourite time of year!
Cause now it’s jacket-season!
Wrap myself into a jacket-cocoon.
Hiding bulges, evening out the fat.
Put my jacket on and go far away! To a place where I feel safe,
where I can finally breathe again.
A place where you and I are equals.
Who says I can’t be hiding a six-pack, when I’m wearing a coat?
Friend: "Jakob, aren’t you going to take something off? Damn that looks warm."
No thank you, that time has passed.
It’s jacket-time, time for jacket, jacket-you, jacket-we.
I don’t have time to waste jacket-time on stuff like that.
It takes the denial now, and the body in the long run.
Do you feel fat, put your jacket on!
Do you feel silly, put your jacket on!
Does your fat jiggle uncontrollably? Is your sweater too tight?
Got a little bit man-boob going on? Put your jacket on!
But what do I do when I get indoors?
I lie about having a cold.
Have to keep my jacket on, hat, mittens, scarf on, covers, blanket
pillows of down, put on more jackets, keep myself snug
a duvet, sunglasses, a cap with flaps
I wrap myself in, I jacket myself in, I go into hibernation, into hibernation I go
Don’t wake me when spring comes!
Kollektivet: Second Degree Euthanasia
Lars-Jahn Svendsen is on a crusade to help the suffering, by mercifully killing them.
But by what motive is he selecting the lucky few who gets his unique help?
Narrator:
According to Norwegian law; punishable by law to help dying people end their lives. No matter what the patients themselves want.
On both sides of this controversy, we find strong voices. One of these strong voices is Lars-Jahn Svendsen.
Lars-Jahn:
One of my closest relatives, Ronny, had a serious decease for a number of years. And when I visited him at the hospital, I could see this incredible wish for death to come.
I sat on his oxygen-tube, accidentally. And he was then free from his anguished hell, he was 14 years old.
Narrator:
Based on this experience, and a loophole in the law, Lars-Jahn has come up with his own business idea.
Lars-Jahn:
So long as it is an accident, and you only indirectly kill somebody, it is not punishable by law
.
In this room lies Marite Svendsen, she has had incurable cancer going on two years now. It’s high time to relieve her of her pain.
She now rests in peace.
Marite Svendsen
1945-2012
Narrator:
We followed Lars-Jahn over a period of one year, where he was involved in a number of accidental merciful killings.
Anders Svendsen
1957-2012
Laila Svendsen
1950-2012
Lars-Jahn:
"Excuse me, could you just hold this for me for a little while?"
Pernille Svendsen
1975-2012
Narrator:
It isn’t until we are finishing up in the final cut, that we realize all the patients are named Svendsen. The same last name as Lars-Jahn himself.
Lars-Jahn:
This is Eigil Svendsen, he is 14 years old, and has contracted lung-inflammation on both sides. Horrible pain all the time, so it’s high time to time to relieve him of his pain.
Camera-man:
Relieve him of his pain? But, it isn’t a deadly decease. He’ll be just fine in a little while.
Lars-Jahn:
Oh, no,no,no,no, there is no such guarantee. Breath in. Him having lung-inflammation on both sides, in both his lungs! You know he’s had it rough, just lost his mother very recently, in a very unfortunate treadmill-accident, having fallen on a pair of scissors. Of course that’s hard on the young boy.
Now it’s just a matter of time, the accident will soon be upon us. And Eigil will never have to suffer again.
That’s that.
Eigil Svendsen
1998-2012
Lars-Jahn:
My crusade is finally over and I can retreat.
Camera-man:
Retreat?
Lars-Jahn:
Yes, to the Svendsen Family-cabin, which suddenly stands there empty after my entire family perished under extremely unfortunate circumstances.
Not going to be quite the same at the cabin, without them.
Kind of...
But by what motive is he selecting the lucky few who gets his unique help?
Narrator:
According to Norwegian law; punishable by law to help dying people end their lives. No matter what the patients themselves want.
On both sides of this controversy, we find strong voices. One of these strong voices is Lars-Jahn Svendsen.
Lars-Jahn:
One of my closest relatives, Ronny, had a serious decease for a number of years. And when I visited him at the hospital, I could see this incredible wish for death to come.
I sat on his oxygen-tube, accidentally. And he was then free from his anguished hell, he was 14 years old.
Narrator:
Based on this experience, and a loophole in the law, Lars-Jahn has come up with his own business idea.
Lars-Jahn:
So long as it is an accident, and you only indirectly kill somebody, it is not punishable by law
.
In this room lies Marite Svendsen, she has had incurable cancer going on two years now. It’s high time to relieve her of her pain.
She now rests in peace.
Marite Svendsen
1945-2012
Narrator:
We followed Lars-Jahn over a period of one year, where he was involved in a number of accidental merciful killings.
Anders Svendsen
1957-2012
Laila Svendsen
1950-2012
Lars-Jahn:
"Excuse me, could you just hold this for me for a little while?"
Pernille Svendsen
1975-2012
Narrator:
It isn’t until we are finishing up in the final cut, that we realize all the patients are named Svendsen. The same last name as Lars-Jahn himself.
Lars-Jahn:
This is Eigil Svendsen, he is 14 years old, and has contracted lung-inflammation on both sides. Horrible pain all the time, so it’s high time to time to relieve him of his pain.
Camera-man:
Relieve him of his pain? But, it isn’t a deadly decease. He’ll be just fine in a little while.
Lars-Jahn:
Oh, no,no,no,no, there is no such guarantee. Breath in. Him having lung-inflammation on both sides, in both his lungs! You know he’s had it rough, just lost his mother very recently, in a very unfortunate treadmill-accident, having fallen on a pair of scissors. Of course that’s hard on the young boy.
Now it’s just a matter of time, the accident will soon be upon us. And Eigil will never have to suffer again.
That’s that.
Eigil Svendsen
1998-2012
Lars-Jahn:
My crusade is finally over and I can retreat.
Camera-man:
Retreat?
Lars-Jahn:
Yes, to the Svendsen Family-cabin, which suddenly stands there empty after my entire family perished under extremely unfortunate circumstances.
Not going to be quite the same at the cabin, without them.
Kind of...
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