Kollektivet: The Wedding from Hell

Trygve has been invited to an old childhood-friend's wedding. He finds the experience less than enjoyable. Will it ever EVER end?

               

                          at the office
Boss: "OK then, Monday is yet again upon us."

            "Hi, hi, So does anybody has anything to
             share from the weekend?"
            "Anybody experienced anything?"
            "Trygve, you went to that wedding, right?"

Trygve: "Yes."

Boss: "Maybe want to tell us a little bit about that?"

Trygve: "As I mentioned before the weekend,
              it was the wedding of an old friend of mine,
              a close friend that I haven’t seen in years."

                "..Ehm, so you know... I had to go."

                                  "To be quite frank;
                                    it was fucking lame."

                                                            at wedding

 Trygve: "The nuptials were OK, until all of a sudden, when people started contributing."

Priest: “The Bride’s good friend Rita is now going to sing us a song.”

Rita: “I don’t like singing in public, but since the family asked;
           since every one of them came to me individually and asked, I said yes.”

Trygve: "That was OK, but in addition to that, the bride and groom had also planned something “fun”"

Priest: “Remix!”

Trygve: "Fair enough, it’s OK for the bride and groom to dance and jump their way down the isle to music,
              but for everyone else to have to participate; that’s not cool. That’s just cruel."

                                                             at reception 

Trygve: "You know the evening is going to be terrible when you have to sit at a table with two kids,
               an eighty year old lady and a woman that has “lonely and desperate” stamped across her  
               forehead."

Single-gal: “ Are you single, because I’m single and I….”

Information-guy: Yes, howdy’, just some information

Old lady: “Speak up please!”

Man: "Some information."

Old Lady: “I can’t hear you!” “Can you hear what he is saying? I can’t hear a thing of what he is saying!”

Trygve: "Argh, I thought that alcohol would be the only thing that would be able to save me now.

Information-guy: “We will not be serving alcohol today, according to the wishes of the bride and groom.
                              "Unfortunately."”

Trygve: "From that point on, it was a complete and utter hell."

              "It started with the toast by the father of the bride."

Father: "I think we can all agree that this is possibly the most beautiful bride ever."

              "I would marry her myself, but that’s not allowed."

Groom: "No, that’s Not allowed."

Old lady: “Who are you?”

Trygve: "My name is Trygve."

Old lady: “What was that?”

Trygve: "Trygve, and old childhood friend of the groom.

Old lady: "You have to talk louder!"

Trygve: "And then the groom’s toast was a complete train-wreck."

Groom: "You know how I’ve always had a hard time expressing myself through words,
                so I’m going to express myself  through a song."
                Sings DDE-song; "I’m driving E6, straight there, someone might be lying there in her arms now."
                "And that would be me."

Father: "And that would be me."

Groom: "No, that would be me. That’s not right."

Trygve: "And of course, let’s not forget all those “fun” traditions."

People: "Up on the chairs! Yeees!"

Trygve: "And the underlying family traumas."

Mother of the bride: "Of course, it’s lovely with marriage and all that that entails,
                                     but your father and I got divorced so, yes, it can go both ways,
                                     one shouldn’t necessarily get their hopes up all the time,
                                     just remember to keep those on a little bit of a low too."

Trygve: "And the girlfriends that were trying to be a little “Crazy”"

Girlfriends singing: "Do you remember, do you remember, that time you got drunk?
                                 Do you remember, do you remember, that everything went into scrambles? 
                                 Haha, haha...."
Single-gal: "Sorry ruth, we just had to!"

                   "Come on, join!"

Trygve: "It just never ceased to go on."

Irony guy: "Now that your getting married Lasse, I just have to point out what a self-ironic guy you are"

Interrupt-guy: "I just have to interrupt! Because I remember that time I poured water down your pants,    
                         and you did not laugh!" everyone laughs

Interrupt-guy 2: "Let me interrupt the interruption!" everyone laughs

Rita: "I hate to have to hog the spotlight, but there are several, no rather are a great many people here that
          have asked me if I can sing the song I sang in the church one more time." sings

Information-guy: "Everybody; And we give thanks for this food, Oh my God how lovely it was with the
                               alcohol-free wine."

Single-gal: "One more time! One more time!"

Father: "And one for daddy! One for daddy!" 

Single-gal: "One more time! One more time! By all means!"

Trygve: "That’s quite enough."

Groom: "Oh my, someone’s sulky."

Bride: "He’s your friend."

Rita and man sings song yet again 

Trygve: "It was, by all accounts, the worst day of my entire life."

              "The worst day in my life, but I’d imagine it was the best day in Lasse and Ruth’s lives."

                                                at knitting-meeting

Lady: "Well the, it’s morning-meeting. And since it’s the morning-meeting,
            let’s have a little chat about Ruth, who got married this weekend! Yes!" laughs

            "How was it? Do tell!"

Bride: "The nuptials were beautiful, everybody was so happy,
             with the exception of a friend of my husbands."

Lady: What happened?

Bride: "No he was irritated and sulky, and I just feel it weighed down on the entire ambiance."

Lady: "Don’t you think about that! Don’t you think about that! Don’t you get upset about that!
            Thinking that that ruined your wedding. Don’t do that! Just think of all those fabulous gifts!
            Which there was an abundance of!"

Bride: Yes, yes.

Soon to come

A Roux Harbour Channel Original!

Kollektivet: Jacket-Time

Jakob has had enough of being self-conscious about his body, and being peer-pressured into hellish sunbathing, time for jacket-time!

               

                            -Lyrics-

The summer, it is over, autumn is closing in.
People are cold and they are blue
but I find comfort in the fact that I no longer have to stress,
no more of being uncomfortable,
showing off a pasty white, fat body that easily gets sun-eczema.

I have been sweaty, it hasn’t been easy, when you’re so damn self-conscious about those extra pounds of fat.


But the summer fades away, now comes cold, sleet and storm.
It’s my favourite time of year!
Cause now it’s jacket-season!
Wrap myself into a jacket-cocoon.
Hiding bulges, evening out the fat.
Put my jacket on and go far away! To a place where I feel safe,
where I can finally breathe again.
A place where you and I are equals.
Who says I can’t be hiding a six-pack, when I’m wearing a coat?

Friend: "Jakob, aren’t you going to take something off? Damn that looks warm."

No thank you, that time has passed.
It’s jacket-time, time for jacket, jacket-you, jacket-we.
I don’t have time to waste jacket-time on stuff like that.
It takes the denial now, and the body in the long run.

Do you feel fat, put your jacket on!
Do you feel silly, put your jacket on!
Does your fat jiggle uncontrollably? Is your sweater too tight?
Got a little bit man-boob going on? Put your jacket on!

But what do I do when I get indoors?
I lie about having a cold.
Have to keep my jacket on, hat, mittens, scarf on, covers, blanket
pillows of down, put on more jackets, keep myself snug
a duvet, sunglasses, a cap with flaps
I wrap myself in, I jacket myself in, I go into hibernation, into hibernation I go
Don’t wake me when spring comes!

Kollektivet: Second Degree Euthanasia

Lars-Jahn Svendsen is on a crusade to help the suffering, by mercifully killing them.
But by what motive is he selecting the lucky few who gets his unique help?

Narrator:
According to Norwegian law; punishable by law to help dying people end their lives. No matter what the patients themselves want.
On both sides of this controversy, we find strong voices. One of these strong voices is Lars-Jahn Svendsen.






Lars-Jahn:
One of my closest relatives, Ronny, had a serious decease for a number of years. And when I visited him at the hospital, I could see this incredible wish for death to come.
I sat on his oxygen-tube, accidentally. And he was then free from his anguished hell, he was 14 years old.

Narrator:
Based on this experience, and a loophole in the law, Lars-Jahn has come up with his own business idea.

Lars-Jahn:
So long as it is an accident, and you only indirectly kill somebody, it is not punishable by law
.
In this room lies Marite Svendsen, she has had incurable cancer going on two years now. It’s high time to relieve her of her pain.
She now rests in peace.

                                            Marite Svendsen
                                               1945-2012

Narrator:
We followed Lars-Jahn over a period of one year, where he was involved in a number of accidental merciful killings.
                                              Anders Svendsen
                                                   1957-2012

                                               Laila Svendsen
                                                 1950-2012

Lars-Jahn:
"Excuse me, could you just hold this for me for a little while?"

                                             Pernille Svendsen
                                                 1975-2012

Narrator:
It isn’t until we are finishing up in the final cut, that we realize all the patients are named Svendsen. The same last name as Lars-Jahn himself.

Lars-Jahn:
This is Eigil Svendsen, he is 14 years old, and has contracted lung-inflammation on both sides. Horrible pain all the time, so it’s high time to time to relieve him of his pain.

Camera-man:
Relieve him of his pain? But, it isn’t a deadly decease. He’ll be just fine in a little while.

Lars-Jahn:
Oh, no,no,no,no, there is no such guarantee. Breath in. Him having lung-inflammation on both sides, in both his lungs! You know he’s had it rough, just lost his mother very recently, in a very unfortunate treadmill-accident, having fallen on a pair of scissors.  Of course that’s hard on the young boy.

Now it’s just a matter of time, the accident will soon be upon us. And Eigil will never have to suffer again.

That’s that.

                                             Eigil Svendsen
                                                1998-2012

Lars-Jahn:
My crusade is finally over and I can retreat.

Camera-man:
Retreat?

Lars-Jahn:
Yes, to the Svendsen Family-cabin, which suddenly  stands there empty after my entire family perished under extremely unfortunate circumstances.
Not going to be quite the same at the cabin, without them.

Kind of...

Kollektivet: The Good Story

The story of a man who enjoys telling stories, embellishing them as he goes along.
But when people can get their hands on some real facts 24/7 through their phones, what will happen to the story then?

Tord: "It was my grandfather alone who planned to do all the most important things during the Tungtvannsaksjon in Rjukan."
(Infamous Norwegian Resistance Operation during WW2 that the Germans didn’t see coming)

           A man full of good stories




Tord: "During World War 2, my grandfather flew F-16 and got the Iron Cross 1st Class."

                                  based very loosely on facts

Teacher: "The answer on the last question was of course,
                  The Eidsvoll-men in 1814"
           (By who and when was the Norwegian constitution written?)
Tord: "Yes, that’s what a lot of people think is correct. But it was in reality,
              The Åndalsnes-men in 1813. All of which I am related."

                       but one little gadget would ruin everything

Tord: "So it was the grandmother of Greta Sølvi Garbo who shot Abe Lincoln."
Pål: "Eh, no. That’s incorrect. I’ve got this fact-site on my phone, because I’ve gotten something called Wapp. And it says here that it was John Wilkes Booth that killed Abe Lincoln."

Tord: "My grandfather, Jostein Sivertsen was one of the co-painters behind the painting “The Bridal journey in Hardanger”."
Pål: "It says here, that it was Tidemann and Gude."
Tord: "Yes, well I meant the painting “Sick girl”."
Pål: "That was Much."
Tord: "I meant “Wing-flapping geese"."
Pål: "That was Tom St…."
Tord: "Fuck! What a horridly fast tempo you got on that wapp-net of yours, Pål!"

                         when good advice was hard to come by

                                       (in the bunkers)
Tord: "Welcome. How nice of you to attend my party in this bunkers, which has incredibly bad internet-reception. But I can tell you that this bunkers was built in the year 20 BC by Lill Babs and Hedda Gabriel."
Pål: "On Wikipedia, it says it was built in 1932."
Tord: "You brought your wapp?! How can you possibly get wapp down here?!"
Pål: "4-G, it’s arrived to, everyone in Oslo has 4-G now. Reception everywhere."

Pål: "No, Atle Skorva was not the first man on the moon."
       "No, Tord, it was the 11th of September 2001."

Pål: "No, Ingrid Bjørnhov wasn’t only a comedian per se. According to Wikipedia, she was more an anecdote-telling pianist…."
Tord: "What the bloody fuck?! Do you have access to all kinds of informations all the fucking time?!!"
Tord: "How is it even supposed to be possible to tell just one good story, when that bloody shit has every fucking piece of information???!!!!!"
Pål: "Jesus Christ, you sound exactly like Kim Jung-Un!"
Tord: "Who’s that?"
Pål: "You can check on Wikipedia with…."
Tord: "YOU can tell me!! WITH YOUR OWN WORDS, Pål!!"
Pål: "Kim Jung-Un is dictator in North-Korea, and there both the internet and facts are illegal."
                                                (departures)
Tord: "You’ve sabotaged me for the last time!"
 
                                      a film by Wes Gundersen
                                             The Good Story

                                                (in North-Korea)
Tord: "The Hamburger was invented by my grandfather."
North-Korean Guy: "No, no, no. Everybody knows the hamburger was invented by our former great leader, Kim Jung-Il!"

Kollektivet: Sigbjørn - Episode 8 - Sperm donor

Sigbjørn decides that in order to earn some cash, he will donate some sperm.
And a little lying on the form isn't going to hurt anyone, or is it?

    -Looks through work ads, finds sperm ad-
                  -at hospital-
Nurse: “Can I help you with anything?”
Sigbjørn: “Yes.”
Nurse: “With what?”
Sigbjørn: “I thought that I would donate semen. 
                  Seee-men. Semen. Sperm.”
Nurse: “OK. Since it’s your first time, let’s start
              with filling out this form. And if you have
              any questions, just call my name, OK?”
Imagination nurse: “OK? Hello? Hello?”
Nurse: “Hello? Hello? Fill out the form.”



Name: Ken Dreams
Degree/work:
Started: Doctor - law - master in economics
Completed: Specialist

Nurse: “Doctor Specialist?”
Sigbjørn: “Yeah.”
Nurse: “Lawyer?”
Sigbjørn: “Yeah.”
Nurse: “Masters in economics?”
Sigbjørn: “Yeah, that’s right.”
Nurse: “And a cabin in Hemsedal?”(posh place to have a cabin in Norway)
Sigbjørn: “Yeah.”
Nurse: “And you’ve worked voluntarily with children in Africa?”
Sigbjørn: “With every child in Africa. That’s what it’s supposed to say. I’ve worked with all of them.
                  All the children in Africa.”
Nurse: “OK.” laughs “Here’s the cup, you know what to do? Just take as much time as you need, OK?”

                                          -Four months later-
Mother: “Sigbjørn, now that you’re finally earning your own money as….”
Sigbjørn: “As a paperboy! I’m a paperboy. I deliver the Saturday-paper!”
Father: “Five days a-week?”
Sigbjørn: “Yeah, it’s a special Aftenposten; “Every day is Saturday”-offer.”
Mother: “It’s like our little bird is flying the nest.”
Sigbjørn: “I’m not flying anywhere.”
Mother: “And that’s why; you’re going to be a big brother!”
Sigbjørn: “I can’t become a big brother! Dad! You’ve been sterilized!“
Mother: “We’ve gotten artificial fertilization, Sigbjørn.”
Sigbjørn: “You know nothing about who the father is or anything!”
Mother: “Just relax, Sigbjørn, He is a doctor-specialist, a lawyer, he has a masters in economics!”
Father: “And he has I cabin in Hemsedal!”
Mother: “And he’s helped every child in Africa! Voluntarily! These are good genes!”

                                                  -at hospital-
Mother: “Sigbjørn, look, he looks just like you! Sigbjørn?”

Kollektivet: Sigbjørn - Episode 7 - Drug deal

In this episode we see ho Sigbjørn has an accidental black out and wakes up in a strange hotel-room. What will he discover when he tries to retrace his steps?

-Wakes up in hotel-room-
Flashback
                     paying at bar
Guy: "You can’t get women for nothing you know."
Sigbjørn: "No, not for nothing…"
Guy: "Need some help perhaps?"
          "What you need is one of these.
            Just put this in the drink and she’ll be yours
            all night long."
Sigbjørn: "Put it in the drink?"
Guy: "Just put it in the drink,
          and just contact me if you’ll be needing something more."
Girl: "Hey."
Guy: "Hey, long time no see!"

Echoing voice of guy:  What you need is one of these. Just put this in the drink and she’ll be yours all night long.

                                               talking to girl at bar
Sigbjørn: "You just came here, you’re like there."
                I’m just going to the little boys room for a little bit.
                So just stay here, and wait for a bit, OK?"

                         runs into buff guy with a gun in backroom of the bar
Buff buy: "You’re early."
Sigbjørn: "That’s what the bride said too!"
Buff guy: "Here’s the key to the hotel-room where the rest of the stash is.
               It needs to be gone by 4 AM tonight,
               unless you want to see me personally, get it?"
Sigbjørn: "Yeah, there’s nothing to not get about that."
Buff guy: "Now fuck off."
Sigbjørn: "Yes, now I’m gonna’ fuck off. Fucking off is what I was going to do."

                                     talking to girl at the bar
Sigbjørn: "Hey, hey! Where are you going?"
Girl 2: "I’m out with my coworkers,
           and we’re heading to this lame afterparty actually."
Sigbjørn: "Co-workers? What line of work?"
Girl 2: "I’m a stripper. So I have to go.
         Unless you know of a place we can have an afterparty perhaps?"

                          being confronted by buff guy in hotel-room
Buff guy: "Hey! What the fuck are you doing?"
Sigbjørn: "No I’m just…."
Buff guy: "You know you’re a dead man right?"
Sigbjørn: "Yes I know."

                             talking to muscle guy in hotel-room
Muscle guy: "And what are you up to?"
Sigbjørn: "No, I’m just, I’m just, just… party’s on! Wuuu! Party!"
               "ORGIE!! Wuuu! Woot! Woot!"

                                       waking up in hotel-room
Knock at door: "Hey! This is The Security Guards! We’ve been notified of a disturbance.
                           We are coming in, whether you let us in or not!"